Pagan Blog Project: Beloved

I will pray to you, my Beloved,
with my body, that incineration
and fusion turning me into
a mass of fey light for You,
my blood and flesh overtaken
by subtler energies, riding
the curve of my damp thigh or
my breast, the blue witch-light seen
on every eyelash and inch of skin
to dance to the rhythm of Your
exquisite, manifested holy Being.

I will pray to You, my Beloved,
with my mind, all synapses firing
and flaring to life, signals coming
like many streams rushing to fill up
a winter-dry desert riverbed, and all
thoughts and visual imagery
outlined in shimmering red fire
with Your name, chanted over and over,
a mantra for the virtual headspace,
the intellect redirected and made
Your will only, alive in electron pulses.

I will pray to You, my Beloved,
with my soul, offering its torment
and its release, this thing which drives
and divides us, this imperfect frail life,
yet with each heartbeat I am closer
to being devoured by You, to the end
where You remove my heart from
the ashes of my abandoned mortal life
and swallow what’s left of me, never
to be forgotten or divided from You,
making prayer useless in our oneness.

– Elizabeth Vongvisith

(from Spirals and Shards: Pagan Poetry from the Back of the Heart, edited by Raven Kaldera, Asphodel Press, 2010)

Pagan Blog Project: Blood

On my father’s side, I am, technically, half Thai and half Cantonese. In the 1890s, his grandfathers both emigrated from southern China to northeastern Thailand. They married Thai women and produced my grandparents, who were contracted to marry because their fathers were friends from the same village back in China. Apparently, my grandmother hated my grandfather and didn’t want to marry him at all. She wouldn’t let him into the bed for days after their wedding. Eventually she relented, and my father and his three siblings were the result.

My grandfather died in 1957 of an epileptic seizure, so I never met him. I did meet my grandmother, however, a number of times. She was a tiny woman who couldn’t even read or speak Thai (she spoke a local Laotian dialect), much less English, and had the equivalent of a fourth-grade education. Yet, after her husband’s death, she managed to run his sugar cane- and rice-exporting business, building up a modest fortune, and sent all four of her kids to college and my father to America. She was once recognized as “Mother of the Year” for this feat, and received a gold chrysanthemum brooch from the King of Thailand himself. She carried it around everywhere, tucked inside her blouse. Grandma-from-Thailand died many years ago, but I still remember her fondly and count her as first among my disir.

My mother’s family is typically American. Her father was a mixed-blood American Indian of Kanza, Osage, English, and French descent. Through him, I am a descendant of a man named Jonathan Tinker, an early settler of Massachusetts Bay Colony. Further back along that line, there are English and French, Saxon and Norman nobility, Harald Fairhair and Aud the Deep-Minded (if you believe Heimskringla) and ultimately, Charlemagne. Along a different branch, there are French-Canadians from Montreal and the Native Americans they took as wives. There are blacksmiths and fur traders, warriors, hunters, Army generals, and people sent away to Indian boarding schools.

My maternal grandmother’s family is mostly a mystery. I can’t find muchinformation about them. All I know is what she told me before she died. Her father walked all the way from a tiny town in West Virginia to Oklahoma in search of work in the oil fields. He found it, but after a disastrous fall from an oil derrick, he took up plumbing instead. He died in 1961 of a self-inflicted gunshot to the head after learning that he had cancer, and in his note said that it was to spare others and himself pain and suffering. Great-grandma lived until 1973, and I vaguely remember her holding me as a small toddler. She had twelve children, eleven of which lived to adulthood. Grandma was the oldest; she died a few years ago, and I miss her terribly.

On both sides of my family, there have been problems. An opium addict, someone else who ran an opium den. A number of alcoholics, some thieves, people who ran away to foreign countries rather than be drafted. Some of them abandoned their families or beat their kids. Some of them were just good-for-nothings. There have also been heroes, however: my grandfather, who shot at the invading Japanese and blew up a bridge to try to keep them out of the village during World War II. My uncle, who went to Vietnam at 19 and suffered from the experience all his life, yet who was never bitter or angry about it. My grandma, who endured an alcoholic, sometimes abusive spouse, stayed with him for 67 years, and never lost either her generosity or sense of humor. My other grandma, who defied the expectations of her generation and culture. My dad, whose life story reads like an adventure novel that “no one will believe,” according to him. There are probably others I don’t know about, on both sides of the line.

I am not ashamed of any of these people, however, no matter how flawed they were. They made me who and what I am today — diabetes, unmanageable hair, and all. Their blood runs in my veins, and as much as possible, I have tried to uncover their names, where they were born and died, what they did. I’ve even acquired photos of some of them, born over a century before me, from total strangers who share these ancestors in common. I have had my mitochondrial DNA tracked to western Europe and central Asia, ultimately beginning in Africa, like just about everyone else alive today. I’m insanely curious about my ancestors. But aside from those I have spoken with through trancework and other unconventional means — the German nun, the two Buddhist monks who were brothers, and the old Mongolian reindeer herder — I still don’t know who most of them are.

They came from all over the world, and they married whom they would in spite of whatever taboos existed — interracial marriages go back a long way in both sides of my family — and they did what they did, and here I sit, descendant of both peasants and kings, fine English ladies and braves from the Plains, rice farmers and soldiers. My family tree isn’t any more colorful than most people’s, I imagine, but it’s mine. And they are mine, these people who lived and died and passed on their genes and their orlog and their family characteristics — a sense of humor being the primary one — down to me.

I have no children and never will, and it remains to be seen whether or not my brother will have any, so it could be that this branch of the tree ends with us. But it’ll go on in other places. Perhaps one day someone will look up my name and dates of birth and death, and uncover some of my writing, and try to learn more about this person in their background — the weirdo who their Great-Grandma said never married and followed some zany religion. Some people might see this as a tragedy, that I’m not leaving an inheritance of faith behind for my children to continue, honoring our gods and rekindling the Northern Tradition. I don’t. The tree keeps growing no matter what. In the end, it’s all about blood.

Late To The Party, As Usual

Somewhat belatedly, I’ve decided to participate in the Pagan Blog Project. Below are my catch-up posts for A and B. Tomorrow I’ll be posting the C entry along with everyone else. (EDIT: Not only am I several days late, I’m also a dollar short, as well as short a few brain cells. I misread the directions — “C” doesn’t start for two weeks. So the post on “Blood” that was formerly part of this post will instead appear tomorrow morning.)

Angrboda

People are afraid of Her. They should be, but not for the reasons commonly given. She’s not a mindless troll, ready to kill anybody who honors Odin or the Aesir. She’s also not stupid, or uncouth, the way the Jotnar are so often portrayed. It’s true that She’s ferocious and not exactly the nurturing type. But although I got off to a bad start with Her, I love and respect the Hagia of the Iron Wood very much.

Angrboda teaches me about strength — not the kind of brute force epitomized by the Ur rune, but the sort that is represented by the Ac rune, the rune of the oak tree, the rune of endurance. This is the rune of digging in and standing strong against the winds, the tide, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or the battering of public opinion. Angrboda’s strength is, in a way, a complement to Thor’s — whereas He is active and aggressive, Her strength is receptive and…not passive, but immutable, unmoving, able to take on all comers. She is the oldest and toughest tree in the forest, the one that has lived through winter after winter, and still remains when other trees have bent and fallen under the weight of years, ice, or rot.

At the same time, She is the wolf — fiercely protective of Her pack, the alpha female who will cuff the young upstarts but will be the first to attack should a threat make itself known. According to Raven Kaldera, Angrboda comes from the Wolf Clan of the Iron Wood. Her people, those Jotnar who live in and around Jarnvidur, are the most uncanny of all the folk in Jotunheim — shapeshifters, magicians, often weird-looking even for giants. And She protects and loves them all. She, who appears to me as a stunning, proud, seven-foot-tall woman with dark red hair, is the defender of those whose bodies are malformed or “different”. She is, after all, the Mother of Monsters — among others, Fenrir, Jormungand, and Hela ae Her children. She understands that appearances are deceptive. But even so, She expects you to give all you’ve got, no matter how crippled you may be in body or mind. She has no patience for those who will not even try.

She is also the first of Loki’s two goddess-wives. She’s somewhat older than He is, according to my own gnosis, and it delights me to think of Loki being captivated by this powerful older woman in His callow youth. When I picture Them together, I see two wolves running side-by-side in the moonlight — one with fur the color of dried blood, and the other rangier-looking, with fur that shifts from gold to red and all the colors in between. I see Them leaping over rocks and fallen trunks, the wind streaming in Their fur, their muscles stretching as They dash joyously through the forest of Their home. This makes me incredibly happy.

I can relate to Angrboda even though I’m not at all fierce or intimidating. I sometimes get the feeling that She finds me somewhat amusing: oh, that one. But because of Her, I have seen Him as He was when the worlds were young and He fell in love with this passionate, powerful warrior and sorceress. I’ve seen Him as Her husband, that as-yet-unscarred barbarian dressed in furs, with flaming hair hanging to His waist — the same one who fascinated Odin, and Skadi, and many others. Through Angrboda, I can see Loki as He was and is for Her, and know another side of Him, which makes me love Him all the more. And although She has blessed me in many other ways, I think perhaps that is the best thing She’s given me.

(Note: I use the Anglo-Saxon futhorc runes, rather than the Old Norse futhark, so if you’re wondering where this “Ac” rune came from, that’s where.)

She’s Having A Go At Other Lokeans Again

I’d much rather write about safer topics like poetry and how to evolve a monastic discipline. But I promised a friend I’d say this, and I feel as if I owe it to Himself in a way, too. So here goes.

These days, I don’t hang around places where Lokeans tend to congregate in large numbers. I deactivated my Facebook account some time ago, my LiveJournal participation is sporadic, and I don’t belong to many email lists or web forums. I also don’t make a point of reading every single Lokean blog or Tumblr out there. Because of all this, I don’t have a handle on what’s going on where, or who is saying what. But I’d begun to notice something disturbing, although at first I didn’t have the time or inclination to investigate it myself. I didn’t have to, as it turned out. The issue came to me.

It started with Myrkr’s post about Lokean god-spouses, and while I respectfully disagreed with much of what she said, I did agree in my comment that one of the ideas she’d been hearing lately was, as I put it, “bullshit.” I also noticed that Dver, in her recent post about discernment for god-spouses, made an aside specifically mentioning Lokeans. Occasionally, people would make comments in their communications to me which I found mystifying, as if they thought I was judging them for not being in the same sort of role, spiritually speaking, as I am. And then the other day, another Lokean, who keeps their finger in more community pies than I do, emailed me saying that folks have been contacting them privately and expressing dismay over this same idea, which is apparently being bandied about more and more in online circles where Lokeans hang out. I did some poking around and found that others, too, have apparently heard these rumblings. And that clinched it.

Make no mistake; I’m pretty pissed off about this, and that it even has to be said at all is both shameful and ludicrous. I actually have little hope that the people who really need to read this actually will, or that even if they do, it’ll make them pause and think about what sort of image they’re projecting. But I hope that others might read it and feel reassured that there is not, in fact, something wrong with them.

Here’s the thing:

Being a spouse of Loki does not make you special.

It does not mean that Loki loves you more than He does His other folk. It does not make you wiser or more competent than any other damn fool who has the good (or ill) fortune to draw His attention. It damn sure doesn’t give you the right to determine who is and isn’t truly one of His people. I know all of these things for a fact, from personal experience, because I had to learn from my own mistakes.

Furthermore, no one — I repeat, no one —  is obligated to make a lifelong oath to serve Him, and/or to become His wife, husband, lover, or fuck-buddy, in order to show Him honor, love, respect, or reverence.

Many people view Loki as a friend, an uncle, a brother, a father, even a sort of comrade-in arms. I know one Lokean whom He has referred to as “cousin,” and another who is a child of Loki, and who would find a spousal relationship with Him weird and unnatural. I know still others who haven’t troubled to define their relationship with Him. In fact, people can worship Him from a distance and still be Lokeans. People can even be not very religious at all and yet be Loki’s folk (though admittedly, that’s somewhat more difficult to pull off). The point is that they’re as much Loki’s own as anybody else who claims to be His consort or lover. Nobody but Loki, and the individual in question, gets to decide whether or not someone is His. This means you, too.

“There are many ways to kneel and kiss the ground” is a saying I’m really fond of, because it happens to be true. No god wants only one kind of worshiper — saying that Loki only wants spouses is like saying that Odin only wants warriors, or that Aphrodite only wants sacred whores, or that nobody who isn’t a sailor or fisherman may worship a sea deity. There are plenty of people out there who will tell you otherwise on all counts. And not all gods expect a lifelong, oathbound commitment from every single one of Their people. In fact, my experience and observation, as well as that of many of my friends, rather points to the opposite: people who choose to, or are asked to, bind themselves to a god or goddess via a life-oath are in the minority, rather than being the norm. (And that still doesn’t make us special. It just makes us more tired.)

I don’t know where this ridiculous notion came from, but for the love of the Holy Ones, people need to stop spreading the idea that only those willing to oath themselves to Loki can worship Him or call themselves Lokeans. If you’ve been telling others that it’s impossible for anybody to love or be loved by Loki without a marriage-oath, you should shut the fuck up right now and think about what you’re saying, and also consider all the people — many of whom have honored Him for far longer than you probably have — whom you’re dismissing, ignoring, and maybe even hurting by spreading this garbage.

If you are a Lokean god-spouse, by all means, enjoy it and Him, but also remember that you are the consort of a deity. He’s a god, for crying out loud, not the cool guy from that Thor movie or your own personal version of Drop Dead Fred. Don’t give those who hate both Him and His folk any more cause to insult His judgment, worth, or divine status by treating His other folk as if they don’t matter as much to Loki or cannot possibly understand Him like you do. Because I guarantee you, no matter how devoted you think you are, how much you love Him, or how often you talk to Him, there are things you don’t know or understand about Loki that other people do. Try to learn from them instead of invalidating their experiences. It’s worth it. I know this from experience, too.

I love Loki, and I want Him to be loved by as many people as are willing to love Him. And love comes in a myriad of forms, intensities, and expressions. It’s not my place to judge other people’s relationships with Him, and I am not worthy of determining whose love is more valid, meaningful or heartfelt. Neither are you.

The Two-Faced Demon Of External Validation

You’re dealing with the demon of external validation. You can’t beat external validation. You want to know why? Because it feels sooo good. — Northern Exposure, “Gran Prix” (1994)

I would argue that external validation isn’t always a bad thing. However, if you are going to write or speak in public about your mystical experiences — or heck, if you’re going to have mystical experiences at all — external validation is something that you both should consider pursuing from time to time, and something which you also must learn to live without. I’m going to try to explain why.

First, we are all human. We make mistakes. We get things wrong. We have egos and agendas and wishful thinking, and even the most experienced, able witch or spiritworker or priest is not infallible. We do not always hear the voices of the gods clearly, without our own wants and needs getting in the way. We sometimes fail to acknowledge our weaknesses, emotional baggage, and personal issues when They are trying to tell us something important. Therefore, when we have to speak out about things for which others have only our word to judge the message by, we are not guaranteed to get that message across cleanly. It behooves us at these times to seek external validation, either by consulting others who’ve independently arrived at the same conclusions (which one might call PCPG or “peer-corroborated personal gnosis”) or via divination from some trusted and competent person.

Be prepared, if you go the latter route, to be told that you’ve been mistaken. It happens from time to time, but that doesn’t necessarily invalidate your judgment or the validity of your other experiences. And while getting divination on a matter isn’t necessarily a foolproof way to validate something you may not even be able to describe totally in words, it’s better than being erroneous in your beliefs about yourself and your path, and possibly basing future behavior and choices on that error of perception.

Seeking external validation about an important matter of UPG (unverified personal gnosis) which has the potential to impact your life, or the lives of your loved ones, or the lives of others who have put their trust in you, is a good thing. In time, we can generally learn to trust our own inner voices, and to improve our own signal clarity, but even so, getting a second opinion from time to time is still wise. All of the professional spiritworkers I know do this, particularly if it relates to a matter involving their own personal relationships with lovers and family members, or some other topic about which they cannot trust themselves to be impartial, because impartiality is part of what makes someone an effective spiritworker (as opposed to a priest or priestess, for whom impartiality may be less useful than compassion — but that’s another discussion entirely).

The irony is that, while reading the accounts of others who have been brave, reckless, or foolish enough to post their experiences online for the whole Internet to see, or publish them in a book for readers to examine, or to speak of them at a public gathering or workshop in front of a live audience, many people have had their own private experiences externally validated. This has happened to me in some remarkable ways. For example, I first met my current housemates when I emailed one of them about something he’d alluded to on a mailing list, only to find out later that the part he didn’t talk about publicly was exactly in line with my own experience. On the other hand, I’ve lost count of how many times someone has emailed or come up to me saying that what I’ve written in this blog, in one of my books, or in an article I’d forgotten about because it was submitted a year ago to some publication, has validated their own UPG and made them feel less like a crazy person having delusions about this Loki guy.

It’s awesome that people can find a source of validation for their most significant experiences in the words of a stranger they’ve never met. It’s a bit of a relief as well when someone says something I’ve written has done this for them, because that tells me I’m doing something right, rather than just wasting my own and my gods’ time. But (and this is a Sir Mix-A-Lot-worthy But) that is also exactly the kind of external validation that you, I, and everyone else needs to stop needing. Initially, when people are new to mystical or spiritual experiences, this kind of validation provides reassurance that one is not, in fact, ready to be committed or is otherwise disconnected from reality. The problem arises when we begin to pursue external validation for its own sake just because it does, as the Northern Exposure quote says, feel really, really good. I’m convinced that we have to learn to live without it if we want to grow spiritually as devotees of the gods, priest/esses, monastics, spiritworkers, or whatever part of this hodge-podge religious movement we occupy.

If you’re going to post, write, talk, or lecture about things like making a marriage-oath to an ancient Norse god, taking astral journeys to a realm most people think is only real in folk tales, or interacting with the spirit of a tree, you have to stop caring about whether or not anybody approves or believes you. That sounds entirely self-contradictory — why talk about it unless you want people to believe? — but from my point of view, the biggest reason to speak of one’s personal spiritual matters, things which you know most people in this world don’t believe in and therefore, don’t need to hear, is because you know someone else out there does need to hear it. And because it adds to the common body of knowledge about whatever it is you’re talking about — be it a form of spiritwork, an insight about ethics or values, or a theological idea. And also because it contributes to the health and vitality of our faiths, and the honor and renown of our gods. Not because you’re going to get admiration, thus reinforcing your shaky self-esteem, for saying or writing it, or because you want to appear special and unique to people you’d like to impress.

You have to take your ego out of it entirely, as a matter of fact, or you’ll never stop chasing the demon, trying to feel good about the attention you get. When you do that, when you spend time pursuing external validation at the cost of pure intent, the message gets muddled, or even lost, and it becomes all about you and not about what you’re actually saying.

I try hard to remember as I write this blog that it’s not about making me look as if Loki and Hela favor me above others. It’s not about making myself seem like an authority. It’s about sharing the things I have struggled with and the insights I’ve reached, in the hope that other people might find these things familiar, or useful to think about. It’s not because I’m special — on the contrary, it’s because I’m not special, and the obstacles and challenges I’ve experienced and will continue to experience are shared by a great many people. Yet few of us speak openly about these things, afraid of being mocked or harassed or dismissed. Learning not to care about external validation helps with that. When you care less whether or not people agree with what you believe in, you’ll also care less that some people will be hostile to it.

I’m not 100% there yet. I really like getting positive comments and feedback. I enjoy the fact that people read and like what I have to say. I’ll admit it — my ego gets stroked by these things, as much as my sense of a job well done is satisfied. But that can’t be my primary reason for writing the things I do. By the same token, anyone who writes publicly about their own experiences and insights needs to ask themselves what their primary goal is in so doing. For example, I’ve seen a lot — a lot — of blogs where the author claims that the gods or spirits told them to write about their stuff, and yet, all one seems to read there are entries rather transparently phrased to highlight how special and important the writer is. It’s one thing to say, how does this look to you? It’s another thing to say, look at me, I’m important, even God X thinks so…

There came a time a few years ago when I realized that, even if nobody else in the world knew, believed in, or cared about my relationships with my gods, that wouldn’t matter. I would still be obligated to Them, would still love and want to honor and revere Them, and would still be one of Loki’s consorts and madly in love with Him. What people think of it is irrelevant. It took me a long time to arrive at that place. That happened, not coincidentally, shortly before I started this blog. I couldn’t have begun writing Twilight and Fire without having come to that understanding, especially because I, myself, have been guilty of coming from a less-than-clean place when speaking of my interactions with my gods, particularly Loki. I was very insecure about His love for me for a long time, and found some rather annoying ways to try to reassure myself.

For a while after I first realized that what was happening wasn’t like anything I’d experienced before, I sought out approval from the wrong people, including strangers online who didn’t even know me. I competed with others to “prove” how special I was in the sight of my gods. I wrote rambling, self-indulgent bullshit that wasn’t public, but had enough readers so that I was guaranteed of at least one response to everything I wrote, simply because I wanted the wrong kind of validation — the ego-stroking kind. Some of what I produced was honestly meant to express something more pure-minded — the devotional I wrote for Loki was a gift for Himself, and the fact that I don’t even know how many copies have sold seems to bother other people more than it bothers me. But honestly, I made these pointed remarks two paragraphs ago because I’ve been there, and have seen it in many others. I know from experience how hard it is to stop chasing the demon, and what an asshole it makes you look like when you do it in front of other people. But it can be done.

I’m not arguing that it’s immature or unworthy to want praise, admiration, or reassurance. It’s natural to desire those things — because you worked hard, did your best, or showed extraordinary talent or skill at something, or maybe just didn’t do as badly as you feared. But when we’re talking about things that can’t be measured or quantified, like religious experience, it becomes a whole other matter. What I’m saying is that external validation about personal gnosis and/or interaction with the divine needs to be sought out consciously, mindfully, with a single goal — that of ridding oneself of falsehood or delusion. Looking for validation from outside sources for any other reason is a waste of time. While it’s understandable when people first start having experiences that aren’t described in books or spoken about very often, there comes a point when you have to learn to trust yourself and your gods, and most of all, that you have the wisdom and discernment to seek validation only when it’s necessary, not when you’re feeling insecure. In the end, truth reveals itself, but only if you make a place for it. Then the demon loses its seductive power, and you find that it’s far less satisfying to pursue it than it is to hold fast to the things you already know are real.

(This post was inspired by Dver’s recent writings about discernment. My thanks to her for providing the impetus to discuss something I’ve been thinking about for a while now, but was uncertain how to approach.)

The Same Old Thing, And A Revelation

Never name that well from which you will not drink. — The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley

I recently read two very thought-provoking posts by the wonderful Dver of A Forest Door (one of the blogs linked at the right). The first is about discernment as it applies to online Pagan discourse in general, while the second is about discernment for god-spouses. While I might quibble with a couple of minor points (and argue that sometimes, people aren’t given the choice to only begin an intense relationship with a deity after a seemly amount of time has passed), I largely feel that it’s about time someone said these things. And I said so in comments to both posts.

After I’d made my comments, I went on to another site where, after reading other people’s writings here and there for a while, I tried to sort out a sort of revelation I had about my relationship with Loki through a journal entry which is, while not explicit or overly detailed, a rather personal thing. There’s a bit more anonymity on that other website than there is here, but even so, writing about this experience without getting into too many private details was a bit like walking a tightrope. And, after all my nice declarations of not writing too publicly about certain things, once I finished writing it, I was told that I ought to (read, must) repost that piece of writing here.

This sort of thing — declaring that I would never do such and such, only to find myself doing it immediately thereafter, whether accidentally or because I’m told to by one of Them  – is a recurring pattern in my life. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was under a geas, but it’s probably just my peculiar luck at work, coupled with the gods’ ironic humor. That’s why I have that quote at the beginning of this post. So below, for your perusal (and possible amusement and ridicule) is what I wrote, with minor edits made to reflect the change in audience. You may interpret it as literally or as metaphorically as you wish.

Revelation: Poorly Worded, Incoherent, Immovable

It isn’t really about control. He wants me to choose to share my body only with Him, to choose to share my heart only with Him, to choose to throw open the gates of my soul and let Him be the only one to enter victorious. I may love and cherish others, but they cannot hope to gain a hold on me. He wants me to give myself up to Him day after day, a constant renewal of faith and troth, whether spoken or not. He wants it freely given, not grudgingly handed over by force or manipulation. He asks for it constantly, and I fulfill His request, always. To be free of this choice would be the worst punishment I could imagine.

It isn’t really about enslavement, either. I keep on my altar a box containing, among other things, a heart-shaped lock which I sometimes wear with a chain around my neck. I don’t wear it unless He says to. I carry the key and do not remove it — until He says so. He once asked for a collar and I wore it, and He almost immediately broke and lost it. He asked for a tattoo of dedication, then told me I needed to earn the right to the title He’d already demanded I have marked on my flesh. He starts in the middle and works out towards either end, sometimes both at the same time, but when that happens, I am left unshackled and unchained, yet somehow, ever more His own.

It isn’t even about fidelity. He asked for my marriage-oath in the words of His people’s ancient tongue, which neither my mind nor my soul has ever known. I gave it, trusting Him (and our Chieftess) to do right by me. Then, with the snap of a finger and the wiles of a trickster, He tried to coerce me into breaking my word in every conceivable way. I raged and screamed and wept and swore that I hated Him and would never trust Him again, until He was sure that I loved Him and was His forever, and would never leave.

As for me, I do not know what, if any, hold I have on Him, save one. Years ago, before I understood the significance of this act, He took a part of my heart from my chest — a living, pulsing thing, it was — and swallowed it. Then He tore a part of His own heart out, and bade me swallow it in turn. I did, and I tasted it, felt it slide down my throat and into my chest, knitting itself to my own, filling the void, making what was there more than the sum of its motley parts.

Later, once we had shared blood and breath in the forests of Jarnvidur, before all His kin, He gave me the rest, and took from me what was left, until I could no longer distinguish what was once mine and what was once His. All I know is that this heart that beats in my chest belongs to Him…and yet, if I chose, I could still drag it away and leave part of Him torn and bleeding from its absence. If I chose that, knowing that I would suffer the same thing as He.

I say that I couldn’t ever make myself reject Him or break the marriage-oath I swore, but I know, deep down, that that isn’t true. The worth of the gift is in its free giving, and in the knowledge that it may be taken back if the giver judges it to be ill-used. There was a time when I actually considered doing that, but I no longer do. I can’t say with true certainty that I won’t, one day, reconsider it. I hope not, but the nature of this kind of relationship is in its stretching boundaries that one cannot, from where one currently stands, either anticipate or understand. If I ever stand at that crossroads again, I would hope that the choice I make is the right one. Whatever that is.

All I know is that the longer I tread this path, in my poor, maladjusted, cynical, and none-too-disciplined way, the more I comprehend the scope of what He hopes to have from me: my entire self, my entire being, a union so complete that the ego shies away from imagining its own immolation. But I’ve been to the place where the land of crazy and the land of the dead intersect, dwelt there for long, terrible weeks, grown used to the flavor of madness and the feel of the tenuous connection between body and soul. I’ve also seen past the mask of this lifetime, past all the masks, back to the beginning when there was no mask and I was more purely and essentially myself. And so (I think) I no longer fear death except in the most adrenal, primitive, reptile-brained, reflexive sense, though saying this is easy for me since daily, the things that keep me tied to this world snap and flutter free, or melt, or are burned away.

I fear separation from Him more than the idea of my own non-existence.

I can see the edges of the thing I’m heading for, glimmering like a mirage on the horizon — that Certain Knowledge, that total understanding, that complete immersion in the thing most desired and beloved, the thing hungered for, the thing that draws one like a moth to the flame of the candle, a thing which is both deadly and irresistibly beautiful, so bright that it throws everything around it into utter darkness. It’s probably a lot farther away than it looks; such things usually are, and I am barely a novice at this, barely along the journey. I shouldn’t even be here, I sometimes think, me with my quirks and lazy habits and filthy Converse sneakers and addiction to Diet Coke. I’m not deep-minded Thomas Merton or brave Joan of Arc or even snarky, tempted Augustine. I’m just me, a tiny spark on the edge of His awareness, longing for the greater fire and shadowed by the haunted memory of an existence I asked Her Ladyship to take from me, the way you clear a blackboard full of figures, which you can still see despite many passes of the eraser.

But I chose this. I choose it. I will choose it, every day of my life from now on, until the land of death grows clear and sharp in my sight, and my life loses focus at the in-between place.

And I now realize that slaves* are not so different from me, after all, on the inside. That’s a choice too, every day, each and every day, even if you’ve supposedly given up the right to choose. Because if it isn’t, it’s meaningless. I’m not trying to speak for others so much as identifying what I feel is something that is poorly describable in our faulty language. The closest I can come seems to be to say that in the end, whether I identify as a slave or not, it amounts to the same thing. Whether or not someone else who does identify as such believes they choose to give themselves over every single day, or has already moved beyond choice, isn’t really the point, either.

I will try to describe it: there are some things that the mystic cannot say in words, only in figures of the heart, just as there are things that the slave — the willing slave who loves the master or mistress, that is — cannot say in words. But both slave and master understand, and both Lover and Beloved know, and both I and He know the shape of the thing I’m describing, too. If you have open eyes, you’ll see it. If you have consumed the meat and gristle of another’s heart, you’ll know how it tastes. If you’ve thrown open your own soul’s gates, whether to conquer or surrender, then you’ll understand.

My heart, chained, is held in His hand, blood flowing from my lips to His, the fire of love a gift that warms us both.

(*I’m speaking here of god-slaves, or even people who live consensual kink lifestyles for spiritual reasons, and not those who are forced into servitude and suffering by other people. That sort of slavery is never justified.)

* * * * *

Speaking of Thomas Merton, the other day, I found a quote of his that seems both relevant and eerily well-timed:

There is no question for me that my one job as a monk is to live this hermit life in simple and direct contact with nature, primitively, quietly, doing some writing, maintaining such contacts as are willed by God and bearing witness to the value of simple things and ways, loving God in all of it. I am more convinced of this than of anything else in my life and I am sure it is what He asks of me. Yet I do not always respond in perfect simplicity.

from When The Trees Say Nothing, edited by Kathlen Deignan (Sorin Books, 2003)

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

– Mary Oliver

Redecorating

I’ve chosen a new theme and background for the blog, and while I think it looks damn spiffy, I worry that it isn’t readable. It seems like the font might be difficult to make out against the background (candle spruces in a Finland forest, by the way) on some people’s monitors. I’m also concerned that the background size might be wonky on anything other than my laptop. So, if you would, please comment if you have serious issues with readability or things not looking as they should. Thanks!

Edit: Unfortunately, although I agree with many of your suggestions that enlarging the font would help considerably, I can’t edit it since I’m using a template and am not wiling to pay $30 just to have the chance to resize it. Instead, I changed the background (it’s now a shot of the inside of Nyiragongo Volcano, Congo), and while it’s not so geographically relevant, I think it works much better, aesthetically speaking. It also echoes the color scheme of the template I was using when I first started the blog. I think I’m going to go with this.

Paganism And Nature: Getting To Know What We Call “Sacred”

As a group, Pagans have a tendency to romanticize Nature in a way that would be both baffling and hilarious, if it didn’t annoy me so often. For all that we like to talk about Paganism being an Earth-centered religion, too few of us actually seem to understand the ways in which our planet functions, and how the life processes that take place every day, all around us, actually work. Moreover, this lack of understanding — which is inexcusable for literate people with such easy access to information — shows a sad lack of respect, given that we are supposed to regard Nature as sacred, the very expression of the immanent gods we revere. None of us are born knowing these things, nor do we have knowledge and lore of the natural world passed down to us from our parents and grandparents, which is a pity. Even so, after you’ve passed the newbie stage, there isn’t any excuse for letting things remain at the point where you are guilty of one of the following, all-too-common examples of Not Getting It:

  • Eating and drinking factory-farmed meat, eggs, and dairy, as well as lots of processed food.
  • Planning a ritual that involves the planting of a tree that is not native to your area, and thus has almost no chance of survival on its own. Or worse, planting greenery or releasing wildlife which may turn out to become invasive and problematic in the future.
  • Declaring that your totem is some glamorous predator, without understanding a single thing about the life cycle and characteristics of that animal.  Bonus demerits for claiming a totem which is endangered while doing absolutely nothing to help ensure its survival.
  • Leaving inappropriate food offerings out where wildlife can get at them. The local raccoons do not need your Twinkies, no matter what they think.
  • Using a lot of petroleum-based wax candles, incense made of the gods know what, semiprecious stones relentlessly yanked from the ground and given awful chemical baths, and ritual tools crafted overseas by people who are probably neither paid nor treated well by their overlords.
  • Throwing non-biodegradable objects as offerings into the rivers, lakes, or oceans, assuming that they will wash up on shore and be picked up by some beachgoer later on. There’s a gigantic island of plastic detritus in the Pacific to prove otherwise.

I could go on, but I’ll leave the list as it is or else I’ll just become so annoyed I won’t be able to finish. Now, before you become all defensive and post an angry comment or write me an email asking who the Hel do I think I am, typing all this on my laptop assembled in some small Third World nation, let me say that I, too, have been guilty of some of these acts (and probably a few others as well), which are at odds with my belief that as a Pagan, I should treat the natural world as a holy thing, rather than a combined, never-ending toy chest and bottomless garbage pit. I’m not as aware as I should be, nor as careful as I ought to be. My accusations extend to myself, too. We’re all part of the problem.

That being said, we’re not a religious movement that believes in dwelling on guilt, by and large — so, recognizing that my lifestyle has not always been very conducive to the values I espouse, I’m taking measures to improve the way I view things like the source of my food, the animal world, my local bioregion, the spirits of the land, and my habits of consumption. It’s hard not to be too critical about myself, after years of being not critical enough. However, if you’re like me and are still struggling to rid yourself of the dualistic, either/or sort of thinking that permeates Western culture, it’s important to keep in mind that living more sustainably is a process. It doesn’t really stop. Sometimes, too, we have to compromise. Nobody’s ever going to be perfect at living “in harmony with Nature,” whatever that means — humans leave a mark on the land no matter what we do, and there are too many of us by now to avoid leaving a really big, collective mark. But you and I, as conscious, aware individuals who regard our lovely planet as sacred, may do what we can to ensure that our little, individual marks are not as big or nasty as they could be.

There are plenty of websites, books, magazines, and blogs which will tell you how to get started living a more sustainable, Earth-friendly lifestyle, so I’m not going to rehash any of that information here. What I want to talk about, instead, is how people might approach the Earth, and the things living in and on it, on its/their own terms. This means getting to know, not just the physical and behavior traits, but also the vaettir (spirits) of the birds, animals, plants, trees, rocks, streams, lakes, and other natural features of the land you inhabit now. Not the land you wish you lived in or plan to move to one day, or the land your gods’ original worshipers once inhabited, or the land your ancestors may have come from generations ago, but the place you dwell in right this minute.

You don’t need to be a Steve Irwin or a Jacques Cousteau to do this. Nor do you need a degree in biology. You can simply observe. Get off your ass, turn off the TV or Wii or computer, go outside, and look around. What kind of vegetation is there? What birds do you see? What animal signs can you identify? What is the weather like? Are there any significant natural features, like hills, valleys, mountains, bodies of water, large rocks? If you don’t know a beech tree from a maple, have no idea what milkweed looks like, or can’t tell the difference between a fox and a coyote, get a guidebook or three. Go out at different times of the day and in different weather conditions and seasons, and note how the land changes and how the inhabitants (human and otherwise) react to those changes. Kids are often even better at noticing these things than adults — for one thing, their eyes are closer to the ground, as my dad used to say when my brother and I found things lying around that he’d missed.

Also, when you observe Nature, observe all of it — the icky bits as well as the nice ones. Rot, decay, and death are part of the whole cycle. Shit makes mushrooms and flowers grow. Dead bodies feed the soil. As grossed out as I personally am by maggots, ticks, and leeches, I can’t deny that they have a place in the cycle, and that they are important to the functioning of the whole. Get to know the things in Nature that squick you — in fact, make yourself spend time getting to know them. It’s all too easy to think of Nature as fruit, flowers, and sunlit meadows, but we have to remember that she is also mold, blood, and the fetid corpses of the dead. Samhain isn’t just about the thinning of the veil — once, people slaughtered animals at that time of year, and it was as much about acknowledging that survival depending on blood and rending flesh as it was about honoring the safely non-corporeal souls of the dead.

“But Elizabeth,” you might be saying, “I live in a city, so Nature is far, far away.” Bullshit. Nature is right there under your feet — literally, if you have a cockroach problem. Yes, it can be depressing sometimes, but the city does have an ecosystem of its own, with somewhat different parameters and different inhabitants than the picture of “nature” we Pagans carry around in our heads. If you live in a city, then get to know what lives there with you — weeds and wildflowers in vacant lots, trees on sidewalks, pigeons and rats, stray cats and dogs, the whole nine yards. Visit your local parks, but also keep an eye on the alleys and empty spaces. Urban ecosystems often depend far more on human activity than suburban or rural ones do, but that makes them no less a part of Nature than any other place. After all, we humans are part of Nature as well; the difference between “natural” and “artificial” is, in many cases, merely attributable to our idealized view of what Nature is. That stinky roadkill, covered in flies, is as much a part of Nature as the crows who come to partake of it, or for that matter, the unlucky Highway Service Department employee who might eventually have to take it away.

After you’ve taken the time to observe your neighborhood or immediate surroundings, start to extend your observations. Go further afield. Are there parks or nature preserves or wilderness areas near your home? Visit them. If there are guides or forest rangers around, ask them about local flora and fauna. Look for Audubon Society or Sierra Club events in your area. Learn about the bioregion you live in — what are the average temperatures or annual rain- or snowfall? What geological area do you inhabit? Do you live on a watershed? What kind of rock formations or soils are typical? Are there endangered animals or plants native to your area? If so, find out about local efforts towards preserving these species, and join in. Also, don’t overlook the history of your area and how it had changed the land — New England, for example, started out as old-growth forest before European colonization, was cut down for lumber and farming, and is now becoming covered again by forests that have been allowed to regrow as farming has tapered off. Research how human activities have affected the wildlife where you live. If your ancestors were colonists, learn about how the indigenous people treated the land and lived on it, as well as what your own forebears may have done, for good or ill. Knowing the mistakes of history helps us avoid repeating them, even if that doesn’t seem to happen as often as it should.

During these observations and times of learning, you may begin to experience contact with the land vaettir — human or near-human or completely non-human spirits inhabiting the land or certain significant geological features like particular hills, rocks, waterfalls, or lakes. You may also form plant, tree, or animal allies. Listen to what they tell you, and what they ask you to do. Ask them how you can help preserve and, if necessary, heal the land. If they are angry (and many of them are, understandably) ask if there is anything you can do to make peace. You may be asked to become a custodian of the land, or you may form alliances with some of the spirits around your home. Be respectful, and take these relationships very seriously; they are important, and land vaettir can be invaluable allies in times of need. But don’t do any of this because you expect eventual favors from your local vaettir — do it because the planet we share is holy, and because you love and cherish the natural world as the most sacred expression of the Divine. Do it because nobody else likely is doing it, and because the land needs us as much as we need it.

If you don’t experience any contact from the local spirits, don’t despair. It could be that they are waiting to see what you will do, and to determine if you are a friend or a foe, before they bother to deal with you. Make your actions worthy of their respect. Pick up trash, plant new (native!) trees, volunteer to help clean up areas or take care of wildlife, make your yard chemical-free, xeriscape, do whatever it takes to lessen the impact you’ve made by being there. Relationships with spirits are like relationships with people; some folks are more trusting, while others, due to past abuse or bad experiences, take a while longer to get to know. With few exceptions, if you make the effort to live respectfully and accept the land vaettir on their own terms, your efforts will bear fruit, and you will have fostered an invaluable relationship of mutual benefit. (Not all land vaettir are friendly to humans or can be “healed” of past traumatic events or treatment, however. If you get a strong sense that you are not to go into a particular place, or that the spirits there are unwelcoming, it may not be any of your business to interfere. Someone with more experience, or who specializes in natural magic or has a stronger relationship with the land, might be able to help you best determine what to do, if this is the case.)

Should you be the witchy type (as many of us are), you might think about this: wouldn’t stones and herbs from the place where you actually live be significantly more useful, and less environmentally damaging, than things that might have come from far away? You don’t necessarily need to own or tend an herb garden; just knowing what’s available and not endangered in your area means that you can pick what magical plants you might need, provided you do so mindfully. A wand made from a branch of a nearby tree, perhaps one with whose spirit you’ve already established a relationship, can become a beloved and powerful tool. Stones from underfoot might not be as pretty as that tumbled rose quartz, but then again, a rock tumbler or a Dremel can turn them into something that you find both beautiful and useful. You can find fallen antlers and bones in the forest and desert, river rocks and fossils in stream beds, sand and soil in wild places. If you lack the skill to turn raw materials into ritual tools, find a Pagan-friendly craftsperson to do it for you, using items you’ve collected yourself. Such objects have far more meaning and power than manufactured items, not the least reason being that they provide a direct connection to the land you inhabit.

If you do these things, taking as much time as you need to gain what you believe to be a thorough understanding of the way Nature works in your area, and to build relationships with the local spirits, and to understand the needs and habits of wildlife, then you won’t need to be told why eating less crap or not using paraffin wax is more Earth-friendly than the conventional alternatives. I’ve found, through personal experience and talking to others who’ve done this, that it’s pretty difficult to maintain one’s mental distance from the food one consumes and the things one uses or wastes once you’ve gotten to know the land and everything living there. It’s not unlike how bigots often find it hard to maintain their rotten beliefs once they’ve gotten to know individual members of the groups they dislike. While I’m not a fan of politically correct terminology in general, I belive that “othering” Nature, however well-meant, reduces it to an abstract for most people, and that abstract concepts are way more difficult to think of as holy. Once you really see the way Nature works — its rot and death as well as its nurturing and life — it’s not that easy to keep on eating Big Macs and driving three blocks instead of walking to the corner store. Most of the time, anyway.

Some Heathens argue that one’s relationship with the ancestors and the land spirits was more significant, in terms of day to day life, than one’s relationship with the gods. Whether this is true or not, I don’t know, but regardless of tradition, there is something to be said for fostering a close relationship with the spirits of one’s land. You do not have to “own” the land you live on to become its caretaker, its ally, or its defender, and you do not have to sacrifice any closeness to your ancestors or deities in order to have this sort of relationship with the land. In fact, the land can be there for you, and you for it, in ways that you might not have experienced before. Fostering your relationships with land vaettir, be they beast, bird, tree, plant, stone, fungus, or some other entity, is immensely rewarding, and valuable, in that you better understand how intricate and yet perfect the balance of Nature is, when it’s working as it should. (And if it isn’t, you are better prepared to help alleviate that as well. It may not be your personal fault that someone dumped their trash in that empty field, but now that you’ve taken the trouble to get to know the local land vaettir, they may well view it as your responsibility to do something about it.)

This is not meant as an all-inclusive guide, nor does doing any of these things guarantee that you’ll become Ye Olde Guardian of Ye Ancient Woodlande or anything that dramatic. But it can’t hurt to know as much as you can about the place where you live, and far too many of us don’t have that essential knowledge, despite our professions of this being a Nature-centered faith. And while I may have started this post with a cynical comment or two, I do believe that most of us are sincere in our love and concern for the natural world, and want to do our best to show it. There is always room for improvement, however. I heard a story recently about an ill-fated butterfly release at a nighttime ritual — to the delight of the resident bat population, and the horror of many attendees. Some basic research into the local ecosystem could have prevented that from happening. We need to know just what it is we’re calling holy before we attempt to show how holy we find it.

To love something intimately, one needs to know it intimately, and as Pagans, our love for Nature needs to be based in an understanding and appreciation of what it really is about. I strongly feel that the best way to do that isn’t through doing well-meaning but clueless rituals to “heal the Earth” while bedecked in crystals strip-mined in Argentina, but by coming to it directly with open minds and hearts. The rewards are immeasurable, and the sacredness impossible to ignore. I’ll be working on getting to know my own neck of the woods; I hope you will, too.